It’s actually so crazy for me to even type that title. It seems like an insane physical accomplishment, right? (And it is). But to me, it represents so much more.
In December of last year, I was in the thick of my post-partum depression(PPD), for the second time, and felt completely stuck… just helpless. If you haven’t experienced PPD, the best way I can describe it is… it’s a feeling of immense and overwhelming failure… with a dash of extreme loneliness. Of course, I was wrong. I wasn’t failing at anything, much less, being a mother to my two baby boys. But it felt so “normal” to feel this way, that I didn’t even question it the first time I had it. I actually didn’t realize I had PPD the first time around (3 years ago) until this time. Ok, I am getting off-track here… I will write about my PPD experience separately.
Anyway, after the holidays (you know, those days between Christmas and New Years when you don’t know what day it is), I decided I had enough. Something needed to change because I couldn’t live like this. I came across a line – “Nothing changes if nothing changes” – and it struck a cord with me. I would then use this line to make little changes in my life (our – my family’s – lives) for the better. I wrote down a bunch of goals – some big, some small, some seemed nearly impossible. Filed under “seems nearly impossible, but I’m going to try anyway and it’ll be okay if I fail”: run a half marathon.
My reason for adding this crazy goal was because it supported one of my main objectives: strengthen my mental endurance. I read or listened somewhere (I wish I remembered where) about the importance of working out our minds the same way we do our bodies. I knew all of this already, but I needed to be reminded. Your mind always gives up earlier than your body does. Your mind controls your body. YOU control your mind, your body, your life. But how much control do you have over your mind? At the time, I felt I had none. Mental health problems can do that to you. So, I set a bunch of goals to help me gain a little bit of control. One day at a time.
The word “endurance” comes from the root word “to endure” which means to remain in existence; to last. It means not giving up no matter what. Let me repeat that… it means not giving up no matter what. And I knew it was exactly what I needed. I was confident that I could do this simply because it was in my control. All I had to do was start… and not give up. (I mean technically I needed to train and eat well and all of that stuff, but you know what I mean.)
It took me awhile to hype myself up enough to actually sign up for the half marathon. I started researching in January and took it more seriously around April. From January until May, I lost about 20 lbs. Those little changes I vowed to make were actually making a big difference in my life mentally, emotionally and physically. By June, I officially signed up. I also told my brother about it, and his girlfriend (now fiance!) and the three of us made a deal to do it together. I created my own training plan using all of the different types of articles, plans and blog posts I’d researched. (I will share that separately and link it back here when it’s published.)
Training, set-backs and moving forward anyway
During the months of June and July, I was on a high from accomplishing everything I had set my mind to. I was keeping up with my training, my mental health was consistently improving and I felt great. I was doing speed runs for the first time, learning about my tempo and really enjoying the challenge that my training was giving me. Then we had our family vacation in Mexico and had to deal with a pretty traumatizing situation and the stress that came from it. It completely threw me off my training routine and my mental progress. The result was missed runs, a slower pace and my head just not being “in the game”. Then September came and it was the busiest month for us. Our whole house got sick (and still sick even now), which resulted in more missed runs and half-assing my training.
All of the progress with my mental endurance was slowly unravelling. About 4 days before the race, I told my brother I wasn’t going to do the race anymore. I was going to switch to the 5k instead. I had a nasty virus that had both of my boys on anti-biotics. I had a fever. I could barely walk, let alone run. I definitely couldn’t breathe because my nose had been stuffed for about a week. How was I going to run 21.2 fucking kilometres? I’m sick. I didn’t train enough. I haven’t been drinking enough water. It might rain that day. Guys… I could have written a book of excuses. It’s crazy how easy we can talk ourselves out of doing something. I told my husband that I didn’t want to do the race anymore and he asked why. I couldn’t even answer him… and I realized it’s because the real answer was that I was scared. My fear is something I have been actively working to understand and control… and one of the things that have helped me is to write them down, get them out of my system and then move forward.
So I wrote down all of my fears about the race:
I am scared I won’t finish. I am scared I will finish last. I am scared I will fall and hurt myself during the race and people will laugh and take videos of me and share them on social media. I am scared I will injure myself and it will have a lasting impact. I’m scared I will disappoint myself.
Whew! That helped. Because once I wrote them down, I realized how trivial and actually normal these fears are. Of course I would be fearful of this experience… it was completely new. It was a big challenge. And it was also the reason for why I wanted to do this in the first place… I need to strengthen my mental endurance. This was exactly what I wanted. My “race” really started months ago. It was like a lightbulb lit up for me. Don’t give up no matter what. I got this. Put in that mental work before you put in the physical work….. Wow, I can really do this. You know how I know? Because I want to. I can do anything I put my mind to. It’s not even a question. This race was mine. I don’t know why I doubted myself, but I got it together now. Let’s fucking goooooooo.
The next two days before the race…. I was like a completely different person. Once I realized my fears, it was easy to overcome them. Of course I fucking got this. Of course I can do this. I don’t care if I’m dead fucking last. Because I will be so proud of myself for even trying. I will do this.
So there we were. Standing in the rain waiting for the race to start. Right before the race started, I looked at my brother and told him, “You know what? This already happened. We already did this, in my mind. I see us both at the finish line with our medals. We got this!!!!” I hugged him and told him I loved him and off we went.
TLDR: I did this half marathon for my mental health. I learned how to deal with a lot of external and internal factors throughout the training. Mostly, it’s that the mental endurance part starts before the race. And I’m so glad and proud of myself for setting this goal and following through.
If you are interested in how I actually trained for it, what I ate, how I preped for the day, etc… I will write about it soon. Subscribe this blog or on IG so you don’t miss it!
